Looking back, I can see I'd been depressed to some extent for most of my adult life. But it was only five years ago, in my late 30s, that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was prescribed antidepressants for the first time. As a result the world started to look different and I wondered why I'd struggled on for so many years.
Until then, life often seemed pointless. I felt useless, miserable and hopeless. Worse still, I didn't seem able to do anything about it. I thought feeling bad was my own fault because I didn't try hard enough or because there was something wrong with me. I'd describe what I was going through as a living death. I got very little pleasure or enjoyment from life. I felt numb inside and isolated.
When I was really low, I'd spend days in bed, unable to face life at all. Sleeping was a blessed relief: being unconscious was the only way to escape from how awful I was feeling. I thought about suicide, too, and would get relief from planning how I'd do it: I'd tidy the house, then take some tablets, go to sleep and never wake up. I never actually tried it, though. There was always a part of me that would never leave Rebecca, my daughter, who was a toddler when I had my first major bout of depression.
Her father left me when Rebecca was two weeks old. I was 29 and my dreams lay in tatters: I realised it wasn't going to be the happy family scenario I'd imagined. I was devastated, but somehow managed to carry on as normal, holding down a demanding job as an occupational psychologist and hiding what I was feeling from my clients, colleagues, friends and family.
However, I did want my life to change, so I gave up my job, sold my house and moved to America with Rebecca to do a personal development course. But 18 months later, my father died unexpectedly which felt like the final straw. I was close to my dad and when he died I really lost it. Life really seemed hopeless. Only Rebecca kept me going. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed at all.
I did try to change things. I took many personal improvement courses and read many, many self-help books, looking for something that would make sense of my life. And I travelled, too, taking Rebecca backpacking with me around the world for a year when she was five. But I still had long periods of depression where everything seemed pointless.
Even when I got together with my partner John, whom I first met when we were travelling the world eight years ago, the depression didn't lift. But he was great to be with, he accepted how I felt and was always there to comfort me when I was upset.
It wasn't yet nine o'clock as she reached the shops, so, of course, the Dry Cleaners wasn't open yet. She felt let down, but tried not to show it, as she turned into the side street where the little shop that housed the C.A.B. was. Laura had arrived, her powder blue car was parked right outside, but Margaret had to use her key to get in. The Bureau didn't officially open till ten on Monday morning: it allowed time for the weekly staff meeting.
By then, I'd labelled myself a depressive person. But I didn't think I was actually depressed even though I had a degree in psychology, had worked as an occupational psychologist and knew better than most what the signs of depression are. To me life simply carried on and John and I had a baby boy, Prentice.
Then one day five years ago, when Prentice was still a baby I was having coffee with a friend. She told me she'd felt so down one morning she'd hardly been able to get up. When I told her I'd felt like that most mornings for years, she was amazed. I was so surprised by her shocked reaction that when she urged me to see my doctor I followed her advice.
Fortunately, this conversation turned out to be the one that changed my life. It gave me the courage to finally see my GP, even though deep down I still thought I should be the one to change things - not a doctor or medication. At my first appointment, I wept as I told the doctor how I'd been feeling. She was sympathetic and after diagnosing clinical depression, discussed the types of antidepressants available. I opted for Prozac and started to feel better after only a few weeks. It didn't make me happy, but things became less bleak. When I was depressed I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit and there was no way out. The difference Prozac made was that I was still in the pit, but I didn't mind any more and I didn't feel so numb.
Being diagnosed with clinical depression helped because I was able to say, "I have an illness. That explains the way I'm feeling." But a part of me still felt I was using it as an excuse for how I was feeling and that I should really sort it out myself. That's why I took myself off the Prozac after three months, much earlier than the doctor had recommended. I now see it was a mistake because within a few months I was back to square one.
After a false start, I faced up to the fact that I needed to start taking medication again, but it wasn't easy. I had a real sense of failure and disappointment when I started feeling depressed again. I thought, "What's the point of taking antidepressants if I'm always going to end up like this." I felt as if a promise had been snatched away from me.
As before, the antidepressants made me feel better and this time I stayed on them. I also educated myself about my illness and through knowing more about it I've been able to tackle it better. Training to become a life coach, which involved being coached myself, also helped me realise I'm not to blame for my illness. I've turned what I've learned from my experience and my work into a long-term strategy for recovery and it seems to be working.
I've been off medication for more than two years now and life just keeps getting better. There's always a danger the depression could return but if this happens, I know what to do and feel confident I can cope with it. I won't let it steal my life again.
If you'd like support in creating your own strategy for recovery you can find details of my coaching programme in the ebook '7 Steps to a Depression Free Life - A Self Help Guide'. For more details visit: http://www.depression-recovery-life.com/bin/ap.pl?Ebook2