At time I became a client with a Gestalt therapy I didn't know what I was letting myself in for. I would have valued reading an article like this at the so I would have had some idea of what was likely to happen.
In summary, in this article I talk about my experience as a client and I hope to provide the reader with a flavour of Gestalt: what actually happens in Gestalt therapy? I also hope to provide a clear as well as a brief overview of the theory of Gestalt psychotherapy. its focus on awareness, the role of therapist in providing both support and challenge, trust in ourselves to know what is right for us, and our need for contact with other people.
How do human beings work? How do they change? These are the questions which had always interested me, and, led me to train as a Gestalt therapist at the Sherwood Psychotherapy Institute. At the root of my questions were "How do I work?" or more to the point, "what's wrong with me?" Before I even considered training I was a client with a Gestalt therapist.
I felt extremely unhappy a few years ago, not knowing where my life was going, even feeling like there was no point to living. I had felt like this on and off for years. I felt bad for a period, and then better for a time. When I felt bad I felt like I would always feel like there was no hope. Each time I felt better, I felt like I'd never feel, bad again. Gradually, however, the lows got worse, and the highs became briefer I needed help.
Then, one January day, I heard that one of my friends had killed himself He had seemed happy just one week before when I met him in the pub. His suicide scared me: I wondered whether I was capable of doing the same.
Within days of his death (and after several deep breaths!) I asked the leader of the counselling course I was attending whether there was a therapist she could recommend me. She did, and I began in therapy the next week.
Looking back I had wanted the help and support of therapy for a long time, but had somehow not got round to it. I realised later that I had been frightened: frightened of being judged by the therapist. Not that I would be seen as mentally ill, although I have heard of people who are frightened of this, but that I might discover that my worst fears were true: that it was all my fault, that there was something wrong with me, and that I was the cause of my vast unhappiness.
My friend's suicide had left me more frightened of what might happen if I did not get help! As soon as I made the decision to go I felt a great sense of relief
I got used to therapy and got to know my therapist quickly, and began to become newly aware of things. I became aware that in my family it had not been ok for me to show my sadness - "big boys don't cry", and not ok to be angry - "don't be angry with me - go to your room until you are ready to behave yourself" So I had learned to hide my feelings inside. This had saved me from getting into trouble with my father, and being in trouble with my father was terrifying for me as a child - I wanted his love, and for him to look after me. Ihe problem with hiding my feelings was that I completely buried them.
Early in therapy my therapist often asked me "What are you reeling now?", and "What might happen if you did say you were angry (or sad)?" He was aiming to help me to become aware of the feelings I had lost touch with.
Gestalt's view is that people have adapted to difficult circumstances - in childhood, and in society - in the most creative way they knew how to do at the time. Some people know just what they feel and yet don't know what to do about a situation. Some are in touch with their feelings, and yet not know how to think things through. What is common to all of us is that we have did the best we could in an imperfect world: we made what Gestalt calls a "creative adjustment". Hiding my sadness and anger was the best option for me in my family.
The disadvantage in burying my feelings, however, was that they remained squashed inside me. I ended up angry with myself, and so weighed down by my deep well of sadness that I felt heavy and hopeless. I now know that my awful heavy feeling and my hopelessness was a blend of squashed anger and sadness.
Gestalt emphasises completion: the healthy process is that I feel angry, I express it (appropriately), I feel complete, I am free to move on to the next thing. Most people know when they need to eat, and when they need to use the toilet, and everyone breathes enough oxygen to survive. This is healthy self-regulation. What should happen is that we regulate our feelings, needs, wants etc. in the same way. Instead, we interrupt this process, do not reach completion, and end up weighed down with "unfinished business". When our energy is tied up with unfinished feelings from the past, it is not available for our life now.
Why do we learn not to complete? Certain feelings are not ok in certain families. Harassed and under-supported parents disallow certain feelings, and children do not feel loved in the whole of themselves. Early in life we begin to feel that certain parts of ourselves are not lovable. Society also contributes by disallowing certain feelings - generally fear and sadness for men and anger for women. We then begin to interrupt the healthy process in the way I did with my anger and my sadness.
So what happens in therapy to bring about hearing.
Gradually I recovered awareness of my feelings. As I became aware of what I felt, I could choose what to do with my feelings. Now, when I know I am sad, I find somebody who cares about how I feel; when I'm scared, somebody who will comfort me; when I am angry, somebody who will listen and take me seriously. When I'm angry I right tell the person at the time, or I might wait until they have gone and then shout and swear, or I tell somebody else who will listen. Now I am aware, I have a choice.
While this might look simple on paper, believe me, it was much harder in practice!
My therapist would ask me probing questions, and make suggestions which challenged me, but with great sensitivity. When I was angry he suggested I imagine my manager at work, and try being angry with her - very uncomfortable for me, and yet I felt he was supportive of me. When I was sad he suggested I look at him as I told him - again uncomfortable for me, and yet after I had done so I felt good.
The intention of Gestalt therapists is to find the right balance between supporting and challenging clients. My therapist was challenging but gentle with me, and I sensed his great caring. I trusted him and allowed him to support me in a way I had never let anyone else. While at the beginning of therapy I had been scared and in great need of help, over time I felt comfortable and safe, and began to enjoy getting to know myself
He accepted me as I was. He allowed me my feelings, and even encouraged me to feel! fits support and acceptance of whatever I felt, even when I felt "wrong" or ashamed, helped me to be comfortable enough to feel my feelings when previously I had been too frightened or embarrassed.
He never said "You shouldn't feel angry at that", or "don't be so stupid, you have nothing to fear" - he accepted what I felt and encouraged me to feel more - not less! If I had done something which appeared stupid to me, he wouldn't tell me I was stupid, but rather ask about my feelings which were behind my action. With his help I became aware that when I said something I felt was stupid, often I was feeling frightened. Once I was aware of this, I could choose to say what I was feeling, and ask for his support.
By helping me to accept his support, I was learning how to receive support in my life outside. By treating me with respect he was helping me to learn that I deserve to be treated with respect. By challenging me he was helping me to become more aware of myself and what I needed.
Often my therapist would tell me what he was feeling - not about his own life, but about his response to me. Sometimes he was sad about what I was telling him sometimes particularly caring towards me. Sometimes he even felt angry with me - something I felt frightened of at the time, although in a funny sort of way I also felt safer - I knew exactly where I stood, and felt that I could believe his "pleasant" feelings if I knew he would be honest about what he didn't like. His honesty helped me to feel safe and to feel that he genuinely liked me rather than that he was just saying he liked me as part of doing his job.
The therapist in Gestalt is a participant in the relationship, not a detached observer as in some other forms of therapy. With the openness of the therapist, the client feels more supported, and thus more able to become aware, and learns to receive support. In addition to this, as all of us learn to hide and to protect ourselves, we forget how to have an honest and open relationship - we don't know how to be intimate. Through the honesty of the therapist, and my increasing awareness, I became able to be open and intimate with my therapist. Through doing it with him, I learned to do so in my outside life. The quality of my relationships with my friends and my family have improved greatly since I began therapy.
Gestalt does not decide how a person should be, but rather aims at helping the client to find what is right for him or her. This involves trust - a trust in the client by the therapist which leads to the client trusting him or herself to find what is right for him. We humans are extremely creative, and can find what is right for us in even the most adverse of circumstances if only we trust and allow ourselves to become aware of ourselves, of what is going on around us, and allow ourselves to ask for appropriate support and help from other people.
It's been a long time now since I've "needed" therapy, and yet I still go - I feel I want therapy now rather than need it - I enjoy getting to know myself, and I enjoy the support I receive. I know this been right for me, and if you choose to follow the same route and to go to therapy, I hope this article has provided you with a sense of what Gestalt therapy is, as well as some idea of the ideas behind it. I hope you now have an idea of what you might be letting yourself in for.