I am a deafened Counsellor; deafened I mean I have an aquired hearing loss which later in my life. I am not totally deaf. The loss of one my major senses inevitably had profound consequences on my life and those close to me. The experience was an extremely traumatic event. After a long period of denial, I eventually grieved and mourned the loss and made life and career changes. My change of direction led me to train as a Counsellor. I have my own private practice and most recently I completed my first year of TA psychotherapy training. I work with the hearing and the hearing impaired. I use Radio Aids with clients, these are a communication system for the hearing impaired and are designed to feed sound into the hearing aid via a neck loop. The system consists of a radio microphone worn by the client and a receiver worn by myself.
Deafness is a daily life challenge and questions the very essence of communication. Yet communication is vital to all our daily lives, and a prerequisite for the therapeutic relationship. Healthy communication is fundamental to the ethos of TA and my personal experience and interest in this area is one of several reasons I chose to pursue my current training.
Anyone who has experienced communication difficulties whether in relationships or at work will know the frustrations, anxieties, stress and anger that this can bring. This human need to connect is a healthy biological need and one of our basic driving forces. A deafened person has to learn to participate in the world in a totally unfamiliar way - concentrating on lip movements, deciphering facial expressions and interpreting half-heard sounds.
When I first started to lose my hearing I experienced some people treating me differently, perhaps shouting or speaking in a patronising manner. I came to understand that how I perceived myself was no longer how some others perceived me. I had identity issues to address. Knowing our identity and who we believe we are is fundamental to our sense of self. An acquired disability such as deafness can decimate that belief. The devastating effects of deafness are then made worse by society's equivocal attitude and sense of stigma.
When I think of the impact my difference can make on others, I am aware of the challenge that our human differences can be for many people. For instance, when I am face to face with people I communicate and function fully by the use of my hearing aid in conjunction with lip-reading. However, I am unable to use a standard telephone and use a minicom (a small computer-like piece of equipment with keyboard and a screen).
I use an operating service called Type-talk, run by BT in conjunction with the RNID. I speak my message to the person and the operator types to me what the person has said in reply; this comes up on the screen of my minicom. If this is my first point of contact with the person, I often have the experience of his/her anxiety of "How will it be when I meet her if she has to use an operator to help her communicate?" I am regularly asked "Will you be bringing someone with you, when we meet?" Looking at the impact of my difference from a TA viewpoint, I can observe others' behaviour using the Functional Model of Ego States. I think of the above person in their Negative Adapted Child feeling anxious and perhaps a little scared of the new and unknown.
I have met others who, on learning of my deafness, have been spontaneously curious, and uninhibited in expressing their lack of knowledge or experience of hearing loss. I recall one person standing in front of me with open arms and asking, 'what do you need from me?" This behaviour could be seen as the person's Positive Free Child.
I am aware that my difference can invoke some people's Parent. They may want to help or Rescue me. I have experienced them as being overprotective and smothering. This behaviour can be observed as Negative Nurturing Parent and comes from a one-up position. At times, I have experienced people wishing to be directive, dominant and authoritative with me (perhaps confusing my 'cannot hear' with 'cannot think')! Thus, they have been in the Positive Controlling Parent, but inappropriately so.
At our initial meeting, those demonstrating the parental stance may feel a little cheated and resentful when they realise I do not need the protection they wish to offer. Or they perhaps feel shame and guilt at their prejudicial stance leaving them in the I-U- position. Or, perhaps, some irritation and underlying anger with me, and they take up the I+U- life position.
Of course, I meet many that stay in their Adult and ask how they can best support me, thereby demonstrating their I+U+ stance. They can remain grounded and evaluate their here and now experience of me, and make their own sense of the unknown with the resources available from their own past experience. All this can have an effect on how the person and I interact.
This model gives me information about the person, and I can separate out behaviours that may then be used to diagnose ego states. This helps me in my transactions with people who are finding my difference a challenge and can aid me to facilitate the preliminaries in my initial communications with them, so that I, in turn, obtain the communication I want.
Author
Pauline Monks is a qualified and practising Counsellor in private practice, and Trainer on Deaf
Awareness and Difference she can be contacted on Email: pauline.monks@tesco.net