As I look back on my childhood I recognised that I had been so powerfully influenced by my own parents that it was almost as though I had little or no opinion of my own. I voted for the same political party my mother voted for when I was old enough to vote without really knowing why. I took on board her belief system about people and made them my own. She would often make comments that were generalised and prejudiced and I believed them to be true. It was only as I grew older I could see how limiting some of my mother’s beliefs were. Even today she will stay fixed in her view and she will not stray from her beliefs.
As a psychotherapist in the here and now I recognise that when an individual stays fixed in their view of the world, self and others it gives structure and safety to everyday living. It gives structure and meaning to life, maintaining a frame of reference that the individual can return to and refer to for safe answers in insecure situations. It forms a defence mechanism that feels secure around the self so that nothing can shake those foundations.
We are all individuals and we each have our own personal way of doing things, making decisions and interacting in the world. We can and do change according to the ways of the world and family influences and yet we all have similar characteristics that we share that make us human. Without generalising we can view personality of individuals by examining the space between the polar opposites. There are those of us who are more inclined to be introverted and those who are more inclined towards extraversion and then those who balance somewhere between. Those who are likely to internalise their world, and those who lean towards externalisation. Those who are more inclined to take risks and those who opt for safety. I emphasise the polar opposite because it is easier to image what lies between. Sometimes it is easier to recognise the polar opposite than it is to see the space between.
On the continuum below you may be able to recognise where you may rest in everyday situations as you read the personality types below look for where you rest on the continuum.
| Extravert | Introvert |
See how you are the same in some areas and different in others.
For various reasons you may have become a person who views the world with a mild to high level of suspicion, perhaps expecting to be exploited or hurt by others perhaps you have decided that relationships are too difficult. Possibly you have become a tad preoccupied with unjustified doubts about other people in your life. This of course will make it hard for you to allow yourself to get close to others, allow others into your life on an intimate basis. Perhaps you have learned to keep yourself to yourself and are reluctant to let others see your feelings or know what you are thinking. You may consider yourself highly self-sufficient and not in need of closeness or intimacy it may feel too worrying to bother yourself with relationships. You may be quite critical of others and yet feel sensitive to criticism. If and when you are in relationships with other people you are considered to be rather possessive and feel jealous of others and afraid to lose them. You may have great clarity of thinking and yet sometimes exaggerate aspects of events in your life but you like to pay attention to detail and be over cautious. You may be sceptical, get jealous easily and envy others. When you are in a position to feel afraid you may be angry instead. You are perhaps a little too serious and find it difficult to join in things with groups of people.
Perhaps you are fairly detached from others and limit yourself in feeling emotions and sharing and understanding emotions. Perhaps coming across as fairly shy and self-conscious. Maybe you find it difficult to develop relationships and do not enjoy being a part of a social group and have a tendency to go it alone feeling more comfortable with the world inside your head rather than the world outside. You are probably a very creative thinker. You might be considered by others to be a loner and prefer solitary activities that do not include other people for example playing on your computer or reading. If and when someone wanted to know what you were feeling you would find it very hard to explain as you are quite cut off from emotions to a greater or lesser degree. Being criticised doesn’t have much of an impact upon you because what others think doesn’t really matter. You might have problems feeling anger and expressing it will be virtually impossible and you perhaps feel uncomfortable or even inadequate in social situations. Sometimes you become confused instead of experiencing your emotions and probably get hurt easily but would not show it.
You may be a person who has a tendency to be emotional and outline most aspects in your life as if through feelings. You may feel uncomfortable a great deal in your life and often feel unappreciated. You may swing from being upset one day to lively and quite dramatic another. You may be changeable enthusiastic about things and people in your life. You like to be the centre of attention and may very often do something very dramatic to gain other people’s attention. You can be seductive and playful in trying to get what you want in life and you will be very welcome where you go socially because of being seen as the ‘life and soul of the party’. You are probably excitable and often over react but you are also very concerned for others and loving and caring in your relationships but you may find yourself trying very hard for people and then feeling let down and under valued. You are playful and great fun to be with and people like to be around you but on the other hand you have to work very hard to maintain relationships. You get scared easily but instead of saying that you are afraid you get angry. There may be a part of you that does not really want to grow up or make your mark in the world by being important. Basically you feel quite scared in many areas of your life.
Possibly you are the type of person who tends to like order, perfectionism and has a tidy mind. Maybe you find it difficult to be flexible and you believe that you have always felt this way since being a child. Because of your perfectionism you are likely to conform and take responsibility very seriously and you are considered very reliable in your work. You are conscientious and dependable, organised and neat both in everything you do and your self-presentation. If you take things to extreme you may attempt to maintain a certain amount of control through attention to detail, structure in your life and procedures. You hate to make mistakes and pay great attention to whatever you do in order to make sure you do not. You put a considerable amount of energy into everything you do and even your hobbies are orderly and regular. However in your work you may put in far more than is required of you. You may also have very high moral principles by which you live and you are very self-critical. You may find it incredibly difficult to delegate and to allow others to do anything for you and like to do most things yourself. You may be prone to making lists and ticking off each item as you complete it. You may hold yourself back from showing emotions for fear of getting it wrong most likely suffer considerable amounts of anxiety. You are likely to become very irritated and have some bouts of depression, which may be due to guilt.
Perhaps you are the type of person to have conflict with society. Likely you test the rules by rebelling in some areas within society. Maybe you have a low tolerance level and often feel frustrated with others. You like drama and excitement and have a need for stimulation. You are very goal orientated and have a high charismatic aspect to your nature which others are drawn to. However you can be quite aggressive and callous and often thought of by others as rather selfish. Whilst at the same time can be very charming and think well on your feet. You do not however like to show your emotions and then to keep your feelings to yourself so as not to make yourself vulnerable to others. Sometimes you have a way of thinking about other people as if they are fools and will feel good about outsmarting others. You find it difficult to take responsibility for your own mistakes and are likely to blame someone else.
You are the type of person who hides their anger behind a smile. However you may show it by making sarcastic digs at others. You may experience resentment towards other people without letting them know in a straight way how they have hurt or offended you. You are the type of person who likes to weigh both sides of an argument and can be very persistent in the pursuit of detail. However you are loyal to those you admire or care about and will put a great deal of energy in whatever it is you are interested in at the time. You are someone who is afraid to get close to others in case they hurt you and there is a part of you that doesn’t think you can make it in life. You can become very frustrated and get into righteous indignation with others.
You experience yourself as having a poor self-image, you find it difficult to maintain lasting friendships and relationships generally. You switch easily from liking someone to taking an instant dislike. You can turn against people as quickly as you were for them. Yet you are quite afraid of people leaving you and will often leave them if you suspect for an instant that they are tiring of you. You become angry very quickly if people change plans unavoidably. You do not like to be alone for long and have a tendency to be intolerant when people let you down whatever the reason. You are inclined to idealise and become quickly involved with your lovers or intimate relationships. However you can switch quickly from this intense idealisation to devaluing. You can become critical of others seeing others as uncaring, and not giving enough of themselves in their relationship with you. You might make them bad and yourself good on occasion or the opposite way about. Seeing your self as a bad person in relation to the other. You tend to be rather impulsive and may make sudden dramatic changes in your appearance or relationships or career. You may be moody and seen by others to be so. You can feel panic and despair and become down and depressed easily. You sometimes in these moods swing into devaluing yourself and giving up on important goals.
You are rather hungry for admiration and have a tendency to exaggerate your achievements in order to get recognition. You like to be the centre of attention in social settings and get bored easily if the attention is focused on someone or something else. You see yourself as special and unique and expect other people to recognise that in you. You like to insist on seeing the top man in certain situations. Like going to the doctors or the dentist or hairdressers etc. You tend to observe yourself and how you are doing in relation to others and need compliments from those around you. You hate queuing or waiting in line and cannot understand why you have to. You are not very sympathetic to other people’s plights and cannot let yourself see other people’s needs and wants. You can be contemptuous and impatient towards other people and yet expect patients and understanding yourself. Some people might considered you to be somewhat cold and unfeeling and disinterested in other people in general.
However you are very sensitive to criticism and can be haunted by it. You may feel humiliated by it and will withdraw from people because of it. Because of this vulnerability to criticisms you may hold back from ambition and career success and you may not want to take risks and enter into a competitive market. You may suffer from depression and mood swings
We have explored throughout this article so far some of the variety in personality types. If you can decided which type of personality you are closest to or if you are a mixture of all or some then you might be able to recognise how you developed certain aspects of your personality and your behaviour.
The first thing to think about however is whether or not you are prepared to own the often negative or inhibiting aspects of your personality. In order to change who you are you need to become aware of who you are and what it is you do that gets in the way of getting what you want from relationships, career and life in general.
Once you recognise yourself then you have something to work with, a map of what direction you can go in. If we take some aspects of one of the above personality types and examine some main characteristics it will give you a guide as to how to analyse your self.
Below are some of the main areas of the sceptical person:-
For example why would someone be suspicious by nature?
It is very likely to do with loss of trust at an early age and there has been a powerful need to be self sufficient a desire to cope alone mainly based upon the fact that significant others have let them down.
No need for closeness or intimacy If you are suspicious of others motives and lack basic trust in people then the way to avoid intimacy would be to criticise.
Perhaps it is a case of ‘get them before they get you’. You fear criticism because your sense of worth is fragile; your self esteem is low and is protected by the blanket of suspicion. You are protecting yourself from a repeat of the early experiences
If this is the case for you how have you developed these aspects of your behaviour? What were the influences within the family system to cause you deal with life in the way you do?
How are you problems in life and relationships connected to the aspects of your personality that you are identifying.
What aspects of your behaviour where modeled by a significant other in your family?
For example Melanie observed her mother being suspicious of others, lacking in trust and keeping herself to herself. Her mother was some times rigid in her belief system and was often envious of her friends and acquaintances.
Another example as a child I remember waiting for my mother to come home from work for our evening meal. I cannot remember ever having much food in the house and she would bring a pie or a cooked meat home from her canteen jobs. My mother did not like us to go hungry as she had gone hungry herself as a child. I remember at Christmas time especially she would save up for presents and food and go into dept to give us the things that she had always wanted. Most of my memories of Christmas are unhappy ones were I would be over faced with what I received plus the anger and discomfort generally because of my mother’s victim position in all of it. We moved from scarcity to abundance, indeed overabundance on occasion. I recognise that because of scarcity in my mother’s history I had taken on her fear of going hungry and would ensure that never happened in my life once I had gained adult control. Always having plenty of food in the house gave me a sense of security just as having fixed narrow views gives a sense of security and stability.
Choose which aspects of the above personalities fit for you both positive and negative and then you can begin to explore the possibility of change.
You gain insight into what the influences where in the family system and what decisions you made in order to get by in your particular system.